When Divorce isn't Ugly

Shannon and Chris Neuman, a Canadian couple, posted a happy, grinning photo of themselves outside the Calgary courthouse where they filed their divorce paperwork.

“Here’s Chris Neuman and I yesterday after filing for divorce!” Shannon’s upbeat post read.

“We are, and always will be, a family. We are parents first and foremost.”

With hashtags of #teamneuman and #divorceselfie, the photo has been shared more 35,000 times after being posted on Facebook.

Why are the Neumans so happy at the dissolution of their marriage? Because they are celebrating the good things they have done together while married, namely having two children.

“We respectfully, thoughtfully and honorably ended our marriage in a way that will allow us to go forward as parenting partners,” they shared in their post.

Gwyneth Paltrow sparked the “exes, best pals and parenting partners” conversation when she “consciously uncoupled” with her then-husband Coldplay front man Chris Martin.

“We are, and always will be, a family. We are parents first and foremost,” the famous and uber-wealthy couple issued in a statement.

Many people were supportive, and many more were annoyed. The phrase “conscious uncoupling” fell in line with other seemingly out-of-touch edicts from the actress and entrepreneur, such as, “When I pass a flowering zucchini plant my heart skips a beat,” and “I’d rather smoke crack than eat cheese from a tin.”

What is with all this breakup bravado and downright happiness when it comes to divorce?

What is with all this breakup bravado and downright happiness when it comes to divorce? Is it relationship evolution or a form of shared delusion? One thing seems true: Sometimes staying together for the kids is not the answer.

In a 20-year-old study of parental conflict and children’s stress still referred to by psychologists today, anthropologists Mark Flinn and Barry England analyzed samples of the stress hormone cortisol, taken from children in a village on the east coast of the island of Dominica in the Caribbean.

Children who lived with parents who constantly argued and fought had higher average cortisol levels than children who lived in calmer, happier families. As a result, the children with angry parents became tired and ill more often, they didn’t play as much, and they slept poorly. Overall, those children never come to terms with the family stress.

The children with angry parents became tired and ill more often, they didn’t play as much, and they slept poorly.

So can divorcees be friends? And what happens to all that friendliness when mom or dad meets a new someone special right away?

Bill Ferguson, a former divorce attorney and relationship expert who shares friendly divorce information at divorceasfriends.com, said that looking under the layers of a relationship is very important.

“It takes two people to keep a relationship going and just one to end it,” he told LifeZette. “To move forward, the two people involved have to heal the hurt. There is the actual reality of who someone is, and then there is our reality when it comes to our partner — that person we perceive them to be. Work toward the actual reality of who that person is, and you will find the love for them again that allows you to move forward under the hurt that has piled up.”

How do you heal the hurt? It’s deceptively simple, Ferguson said.

“Allow yourself to feel it. Children are so good at expressing hurt, but we grow up and develop a shell, given to us by society,” he said. “Once you heal the hurt, miraculous things begin to happen — even in divorce.”

Said Canadian mom and soon-to-be ex-wife Shannon Neuman of her and Chris’ shared intentions moving forward: “They (the children) won’t have to struggle with their own wedding planning because we’ll be sitting on the same side of the aisle — THEIR side.”

Neuman told Global News that she and Chris had been separated for almost four years, and “this marriage was mourned, I promise you.”

Mourning, Ferguson said, is important.

“As a divorce attorney, I realized that when people healed the emotional wounds, the relationship thrived, even moving forward separately,” he said. “And, I had 15 percent of my clients not go through with their planned divorce after they were allowed to feel their hurt completely, and express it.”

Pope Francis decides to make divorce easier

Here's the latest from the Vatican:

Pope Francis announced new procedures on Tuesday to make it easier for Roman Catholics to obtain marriage annulments, a change intended to streamline a process long criticized by many Catholics as too cumbersome, complicated and expensive.

Under the new rules, the process will be much faster for cases in which a couple is not contesting the annulment.

Such cases had required two separate judgments from a diocesan tribunal. Now, the process, overseen by local bishops, will require only one judgment. Moreover, the new rules require that the hearing process be held within 30 days of application, eliminating a longer waiting period.

Obviously, this is fine with me. But it's difficult to understand theologically. The Bible contains virtually nothing on the subject of abortion, and yet the church considers it a grave sin. Conversely, Jesus could hardly be clearer about his disapproval of divorce, and yet the church is making divorce easier.¹ Aside from the fact that men often want divorces, while abortion is limited to women, what accounts for this?

¹And let's hear no nonsense about annulment being different from divorce. Even church leaders admit that there's usually little substantive difference.

10 Signs it Might Be Time to Divorce

10 Signs it might be Time to Divorce by Joe and Cheryl Dillon are co-founders of Equitable Mediation Services, a divorce mediation firm that specializes in helping couples divorce peacefully, cost-effectively and fairly - without lawyers.

Knowing when to divorce can be difficult, and it's a decision that shouldn't be taken lightly. So how do you know if you should proceed? How can you be sure that this time is really it? That this time there's no turning back?

While there's no magic answer for when to get a divorce, here are 10 signs it might be time to take that next step:

1.) You're convinced that you'd be better off alone.

It's perfectly normal as we grow older to pine for the careless days of youth gone by. When we were living in that 4th floor walkup in Chicago, eating Ramen noodles by ourselves without a care in the world.

But if you're married and are convinced that being on your own again would be better than staying in an unhappy marriage, it might be time to get a divorce.

2.) Your needs are no longer being met.

Marriage is a partnership, and each spouse should be doing their part to fulfill the needs of the other -- physically, emotionally and spiritually. When this is no longer happening or it's become one-sided, it might be time to call it quits.

3.) You're only staying together for the kids.

"Divorce isn't such a tragedy. A tragedy's staying in an unhappy marriage
and teaching your children the wrong things about love." - Jennifer Weiner

Children are very smart. They know more than you think they do, and they can sense animosity a mile away. More importantly, children grow up to emulate the relationships they saw when they were younger. Do you really want them to grow up thinking the type of relationship you currently have with your spouse is normal or healthy?

If you don't, it may be time to end the marriage.

4.) You've tried counseling, but you still can't seem to come together.

Often the realization of when to divorce comes after admitting that sometimes things just don't work out no matter how hard you try. Counseling requires a commitment by both spouses to work on, improve and (gasp!) change their behaviors for the greater good of the marriage.

If you are working to get the marriage back on track, but your spouse isn't, then it might be time to move on without them.

5.) You're being abused.

Whether it's emotional or physical, abuse is something no one should have to put up with.

If you believe you are a victim of abuse, you may consider calling the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).

6.) You think of your marriage as "the lesser of two evils."

If you're only staying with your husband or wife because you think it's easier than having to start over and find someone new, chances are your relationship is in serious trouble.

7.) You no longer trust or respect your spouse.

A strong marriage is based on trust, understanding and mutual respect.

If you've lost all respect or no longer trust your spouse, it may be a sign that it's time to move on.

8.) You think it's "cheaper to keep her (or him)"

There's no doubt that two households are more expensive to run than one. And divorce only creates expense, not income.

But if the only reason you're still together is financial, it may be time to draw up a budget, get your finances in order and make it on your own.

9.) You're worried about what your friends or family will think.

For some, divorce can be an embarrassment or a failure. But if you believe nothing can be done to save your marriage and the only thing preventing you from moving forward with a divorce is worrying about what your friends or family will think, it might be time to follow your own intuition.

You deserve to be happy. And if the people you're worried about truly care for you as they should, they'll support your decision, regardless of their own personal opinions on divorce.

10.) You're being unfaithful to your spouse.

Many people think of an affair as a physical relationship. But you're kidding yourself if you think emotionally charged Facebook chats or texting exchanges with ex-boyfriends or girlfriends are harmless. You've just exchanged one kind of an affair for another.

If you're cheating on your spouse physically or emotionally, it might be time to give your spouse the respect they deserve and get a divorce so you both can find happiness.

At the end of the day, only you can determine if you should get a divorce. It's a personal decision that should be made with careful thought and consideration.

But if one or more of the items on this list is true for you, and you think it's time to take the next step, you owe it to yourself to learn the best way to tell your spouse you want a divorce so you can keep things as peaceful as possible and do what's best for you, your spouse and your children.

Joe and Cheryl Dillon are co-founders of Equitable Mediation Services, a divorce mediation firm that specializes in helping couples divorce peacefully, cost-effectively and fairly - without lawyers.

"I Know Divorce" Blog by Abby King

"And yet, at the same time, your ex doesn't totally go away either. The daily dramas do turn into weekly ones, and no one, including yourself, wants to hear your same old s**t. But there are times when you need to talk it out, you need a dose of sanity from a trusted source. Usually as soon as humanly possible so you rapidly fire off a few texts. Flipping that on it's head, the good days bring even more moments of desired urgent sharing. When something great happens to you or your kids, you want to share the pride, joy, relief and success. So you email this one and call that one. If they haven't lived it, if they sleep next to someone every night and have that guaranteed daily source of connection, it's likely that this one and that one won't respond with any urgency."

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/abby-king/post_9540_b_7531724.html

Pope Francis: Sometimes marriages fall apart

VATICAN CITY— Pope Francis — the leader of a Catholic Church that has always preached the indissolubility of marriage — acknowledged on Wednesday that sometimes it is impossible for spouses to stay together.

"It is true … that there are cases when separations are inevitable. Sometimes they can even become morally necessary," the pontiff said during his weekly audience in Saint Peter's Square.

Francis said he was referring to cases of domestic violence and exploitation, affecting the weaker partner or small children.

His remarks came a day after the publication of a working document for the Oct. 4-25 synod, a world summit of bishops due to discuss how to treat people who do not comply with Catholic family ethics, including divorcees, unmarried couples and homosexuals.

"Around us we find several families in so-called irregular — I don't like this word — situations, and we pose ourselves many questions. How can we help them? How can we support them? How can we support them so that children do not become hostages of their father or mother?" the pope said.

http://www.freep.com/story/life/2015/06/24/divorce-pope-francis/29210709/

A Divorce Coach Could Offer a Calmer Perspective

For a while, mediation was considered the great new panacea, a supposedly more civilized route to a less adversarial – and less expensive – separation agreement upon which to base post-divorce life. But more couples are discovering that alternatives to the lawyer route may not be all they were chalked up to be.

http://www.theglobeandmail.com/life/relationships/a-divorce-coach-could-offer-a-calming-perspective/article24919969/

Don't Make These 3 Huge Mistakes During Divorce

Remember that it doesn't just affect you, but your kids as well.

You just filed for divorce and you're feeling overwhelmed. After being married for so many years, getting used to the idea that you're no longer together is hard.

You try detaching yourself from the situation in the hopes that it'll help you move on, but you know that the reality is that your ex will always be around because of your kids.

You argue constantly, which just succeeds in reminding you why you're getting a divorce in the first place.

When you're caught up in the moment, it's easy to forget that your divorce doesn't just affect you, but your kids as well. That's what makes having an amicable divorce that much more crucial.

Authors John Gray and Charles J. Orlando, Relationship Help Doctor Rhoberta Shaler, Shannon Rios Paulsen LMFT, and Jennifer Maddox LCSW  discuss different mistakes that you must avoid making at all costs. Protect your kids from going through an even more heartbreaking experience.

1. Take responsibility for your marriage ending.

Shannon stresses that you must hold yourself accountable for what happened between the two of you. She says "When you're not responsible, you play the blame game. [...] Well, you have to bring it to yourself and say 'What was my role in this?' Because if you don't do that, you can't learn, you can't grow, you can't create the next level best relationship."

2. Don't EVER bash your ex, especially in front of the kids.

We know it's incredibly tempting to lash at your ex about every grievance during your marriage, but it'll only hurt you and your kids in the end. John raises the excellent point that "it's hard to say nice things about [your ex but] you have to be motivated to. And the motivation is your children. [...] You look at these innocent little children, and half of that child is daddy, and [the other half] is mommy."

3. Constantly arguing puts your kids in a tough spot.

You may think that you're being subtle, but your kids can sense when something's not right. Don't ever put them in the awkward position of having to listen to you two fight.

There are countless other mistakes that couples often make when getting a divorce that could just as easily be avoided. You can check out the video for the rest of them and make sure that you're not in danger of repeating them.

Written by: By YourTango Experts, Charles J. Orlando, John Gray, Shannon Rios Paulsen, Jennifer Maddox, Rhoberta Shaler, PhD The Relationship Help Doctor

http://www.yourtango.com/2015276703/dont-make-these-3-huge-mistakes-during-divorce-video

Start Thinking About Taxes if Divorce is Ahead

Accounting and tax issues are usually the last thing on one’s mind during the divorce. However, this is precisely the time to start thinking about tax implications.


http://www.communitynewspapers.com/pinecrest/start-thinking-about-taxes-if-

divorce-is-ahead/

Social Networks blamed for China's Rising Divorce Rates

A new study from China says social media is to blame for rising divorce rates in that country.  

The divorce rate in China has been steadily rising since 2004, according to statistics from the Ministry of Civil Affairs. In 2012, 3.1 million couples divorced, or 23.4 per cent of the population, compared to 4.7 per cent in 1979. The rate was close to or over 30 pc in Beijing, Tianjin, Guangzhou and other big cities in 2013.

Couples surveyed for the study, published in Chinese magazine Banyuetan, said the presence of social media in their lives had not brought them closer and in some cases, had made matters worse bringing the relationship to an end.

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/asia/china/11654006/Social-networks-blamed-for-Chinas-rising-divorce-rate.html

Annie’s Mailbox: Divorce is better than living in misery

"In many cases, a divorce is better for the kids than living in a miserable, unhappy environment with parents who argue and don’t respect each other. Get counseling, with or without him, and figure out what is best for your family."

http://www.observer-reporter.com/article/20150606/LIFESTYLES/150609699

12 Unexpectedly Wonderful Things About Life After Divorce

"It's hard to get out of bed some days after divorce, let alone map out a future spent on your own. But at some point in the process, you start to realize that you're so much more than your relationship status and that life goes on -- and gets better -- after divorce."

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/06/02/silverlinings-to-divorce_n_7495296.html

Less people are getting married and money may be a part of it.  Has our economic downturn also impacted the amount of people who decide to tie the knot?

 http://www.nytimes.com/2014/09/24/upshot/for-the-young-money-is-increasingly-trumping-marriage.html?_r=0&abt=0002&abg=0

See www.oldpueblofamilylaw.com for more family law information.

Are you losing sleep over your Divorce?  You are not alone.  A study from our own University of Arizona shows that losing sleep during a highly stressful time such as a divorce can cause major health concerns.  The University of Arizona team gives advice in this article as to how to reclaim your sleep cycle.

www.oldpueblofamilylaw.com

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/galtime/tossing-and-turning-over-_b_5695286.html

Advice on breaking the news of your divorce to your parents. There are some very wise nuggets of advice in here.

http://www.heraldnet.com/article/20140819/LIVING/140819169/Advice-on-breaking-divorce-news-to-parents

www.oldpueblofamilylaw.com

Can a Divorce Be Cooperative?

By Top Law News

In books, TV and the movies, divorce is rarely depicted as peaceful. One learns that couples will fight and bicker over every little piece of property that they may have shared. This is especially true if the couple in question shares children. However, this isn’t Hollywood, and there’s no reason that your divorce needs to be hostile or negative. A divorce, if approached correctly, can be quite cooperative.

“In my view, if the parties can agree on things, it’s always going to better than going to court and letting a judge decide,” says Tucson attorney Riisa Petersen, of the  Petersen Law Firm Pllc. “I’ll always try to see where we can make things work, and find out if we can meet in the middle at all. A lot of times, that will make the parties a lot happier as a result, so I always look for that in the beginning.”

Indeed, the best divorces are typically those where both parties have agreed to fair terms long before they go in front of a judge. However, this involves both spouses being able to negotiate terms that are fair to each of them. But as Petersen says, “sometimes that is impossible.”

“What I’ll do is tell my client to basically talk to the other party about what they’re looking for to see if there’s anywhere we can meet in the middle,” Petersen says. The key to a cooperative divorce is a communication and open dialogue where both parties are willing to compromise. No party will ever be completely happy with the outcome of their divorce proceedings, but the idea is to find a negotiation that is at best fair.

No divorcing couple has more to gain from a collaborative divorce than a couple with children. However, couples with children usually have even more to bicker over than those couples that do not. This is perhaps why mediation is a requirement of divorcing couples with kids in Pima County.

“For me, the real meaning of the collaborative approach is trying to get the best outcome for both parties,” says Petersen. While those who are going through a divorce may have plenty to be angry about, it is always beneficial to swallow your anger and perhaps even your pride and attempt a divorce that is cooperative and collaborative. This is ultimately the best way to end your marriage fairly, especially if you have children together.

Tags:Children, cooperative, divorce

Tucson Divorce

Tucson Divorce

Did you know that divorce laws dramatically differ from state to state?  There are two ways divorces are handled: community property states versus common law states.  Many east coast states such as New York and Connecticut are common law states, whereas many west coast states such as Arizona, California, Idaho, New Mexico, Washington, Nevada, Texas, and Alaska are community property states.

We are in a community property state in Arizona.  So what does this mean?  It means everything including assets and debts you accumulated before you got married, anything you inherited before and during the marriage, and generally gifts during the marriage to you, and some lawsuit settlements during the marriage are your separate property.  Separate property means that is yours when you get divorced. Now here’s where the hammer drops.  Everything you and your spouse have accumulated during the marriage, debts, assets, property, anything not in the previous category is community property from the moment you get married to the moment that divorce petition is served if the petition ends in actual divorce.  So that means if you were the sole income earner during the marriage, every single penny is half owned by your spouse.  This includes your retirement.  Your spouse is entitled to half of whatever retirement you have accumulated and vice versa.  Did your spouse rack up a whole lot of debt while you were married?  Well guess what you are half responsible.  Did your spouse get their PhD during the marriage and rack up hundreds of thousands of dollars of student debt?  You are half responsible for the debt even though your spouse incurred it.  Recently with recession, the tricky areas of property division have been real property or homes. Many homes are now underwater, so soon to be divorced couples are clueless as to how to dispose of that property.  

Additional issues are the areas of health insurance.  Almost every health insurance will not allow an ex spouse to be covered.  This is true even if both parties agree to it.  There are ways to compensate for this loss.

These issues are where an experienced divorce attorney comes in handy.  I can answer your questions and guide you to the best possible outcome for your particular situation.  Every single divorce is different.  I give you personalized attention and work tirelessly for you.  My office phone number is my cell number and I frequently answer phone calls from my clients after hours and on weekends. More importantly, I offer free consultations so give me a call today and let me explain how I can help your situation.  Call 520-631-3286 to talk to me, Riisa Petersen, managing attorney at Petersen Law Firm PLLC.